13.10.2014
Written when talking with Dancer about my experience following first hospital admission late September.
[edit: 14 october 2014. i have not proof read this since writing but know that Dancer and i discussed as i wrote. if there's anything odd please check with me first because the analogy is so far as i can tell accurate. please don't share this link anywhere for now as i want to ensure that there's no identifying info that will lead anyone who doesn't know me sufficiently to trust my own judgement, or that of others i trust for my safety. i am safe and i know that to be true in all senses of the word. my judgement was so impaired however at one point that i was unable to trust my own sense of judgement following the second time i was in hospital and was placed in a secure ward. without wanting to do things i suspect hint towards this, including over-explain or be hypervigilant this is all i want to explain for now. i recognise that someone might happen across this on the internet so please note that comments are off.]
An analogy to help me understand why I get so distressed when I cannot do what I could do before going to hospital for the first time late September.
Due to complications during the first time in hospital I ended up getting to the point where I needed to return and ended up being treated like I was in traction and couldn’t go home until the treating medical teams believed I was capable of looking after myself independently. During that time I couldn’t leave the ward on my own, if at all.
Thusly I have found the entire experience very stressful and because of the symptoms I’ve continued to notice since leaving that I believe kept ‘in traction’, I continue be concerned that I will find myself in a similar position. As such I start to worry to the point that some of the symptoms which have abated return, physiological and psychological.
As a result I currently feel incapable of settling myself sometimes and thus need to talk to someone about that second in hospital to make sure that I will be ok. This is inspite of significant improvement that I can notice every day regarding symptoms that were not present prior to first hospital admission, and noticing that I’m much much better practicing mindfulness to pay attention to my psychological state than I previously thought I had been in order to manage psychological distress. Even before hospital I was usually able to manage my psychological distress without feeling the need to speak to someone immediately about this.
At present I feel I need to be dialogic to help me remain calm enough to trust my own judgement when experiencing distress that I cannot manage on my own.
Part of the reason I feel I need to be dialogical in my processing is that I had to return to hospital when I felt I could no longer trust my judgement about reality. My understanding (along with others who were present for a good part of the time for both hospital stay) is that this is due to complications that arose during my first stay which looking back can both recall noticing when there. These concerning symptoms continued to worsen until I returned to the ED before the second stay, during which my symptoms worsened to the point where I had signed the admission to remain until I was able to take care of myself independently.
As a result of all of this I hold some significant doubt that all possible assessments have been made to get to the bottom of the cause of the reason I first went to hospital, i.e. prolonged, persistent agonising abdominal pain that led me to crying to about it before going to hospital.
Finally, as an outcome of the experience in entirety I have trouble with trusting myself let alone any health professionals. Thus I will be aiming to ensure that all possible tests and assessments are done to my satisfaction whilst I notice any of the symptoms that arose during my hospital stays because of what of what ‘we’ (meaning Dancer and I) understand to be at worst systemic negligence in duty of care by the hospital I was admitted in the first place.
