'Australia' is not my home

Home is a space where I feel safe

Home is a space where I can relax

In the broader Australian society

I don’t feel at home

It feels like a place that is

Full of intolerance, hatred

A place in which the people

Apparently cannot see

Beyond the black and white

The rat race

The quick-firing over media

No time for deeper critical discussion

Thinking - ‘what’s that’?

Privilege - ‘what’s that’?

This is not my home

Instead I occupy a ‘ghetto’

This ghetto that I call home

This is my ‘bubble of awesome’*

Where I can talk about

All manner of topics in depth

Where I can learn, share

Where I can deepen my understandings of the world

Where I can feel safe

Where I can be fully me

Whoever that might be at any given moment

Safe for the good, the bad

And all that’s in between

Some of us reach out beyond this bubble

Trying to make the world a safer place for all

Knowing that we can return home

To recoup, to be welcomed and to be celebrated

* I first heard this phrase used by a friend who called her new rural home 'The Bubble of Awesome'.

This prose was inspired when listening to Glen Anderson perform his song ‘Stop the Boats’ at a house concert on 21 November 2015.

I recall feeling like I didn’t feel like mainstream Australia was my home from my early 20s when John Howard was elected as Prime Minister, but this especially peaked when the so-called ‘Children Overboard Affair’ was being discussed in the media in October 2001. I was on the tram travelling to University of Melbourne listening to local ABC radio (774 on the AM band) and John Faine was taking calls from people who were all spewing disgust about ‘boat people’. I felt sick and so alone. Seeking to find a place to find some saner voices, I switched stations to Triple R, a radio station that I’d listened to for the last few years, and found myself listening to Tony Biggs’ program ‘On the Blower’ which is (still airing), a current affairs and talk-back program.

Biggs and the callers were expressing doubt about what had been reported to have occurred, sadness and compassion for the refugees, and disgust about the way mainstream Australians and the politicians were responding to this particular incident.

I was due to renew my Triple R subscription, so as soon as I arrived at Uni I went into the Law Library (located in the original sandstone building at the time) and wrote a letter about how I felt, when I switched over to Triple R after being so upset listening to mainstream media. This was published in the next edition of the Triple R magazine.

Since 2007, I’ve connected with what feels like my ‘bubble of awesome’ in terms of a community that feels like my home, some members of whom feel like my family. I am so honoured to be a part of this community. Sometimes I may take it for granted that broader society thinks like we do, but then I get a rude shock when something happens, or when a public figure says something, that that I judge to be to be reprehensible and is supported by commentators in the media.

I forget that I am living ‘on a cutting edge’ (not originally my assessment of our ‘bubble of awesome’, but one that I agree with) in so many ways. When I am reminded of this, I feel both sad, (sometimes) angry, and glad. Sad because there are so many people in broader society who suffer because of bigotry. Sometimes angry because bigotry and ignorance is practically championed in this country. Glad because I have this community of which I’ve been a part for about 8 years now.

One final point I’d like to make in this particular discussion for now is that, I am aware that I have a tendency towards intellectual snobbery, but I don’t fully believe that I am superior to others who have differing attitudes, beliefs or opinions. I also know that I’m not the only one to be an intellectual snob, but being aware of it, checking my privilege (in this case usually to do with how much higher education I’ve attained) before I comment on something that I consider to be ridiculous or abhorrent is a part of my process. I do struggle with an intolerance of bigotry.

However, I also believe in a society where each individual has the right to be supported to attain the best that they can be, and (perhaps naively) believe that we as a species are capable of being good, kind and compassionate towards others and the world around us. Ultimately, I wish that people would take the time to reflect, to learn, and to understand the world we share, from multiple perspectives. Then perhaps as a species we wouldn’t be liable to bigotry, intolerance and committing acts of violence (in all its forms) against the world.

Written on the 22 November 2015.

Addendum, Friday 27 November 2015: I'm aware of the 'Five Geek Social Fallacies' discourse, and I'm not implying that everyone who I count as a part of the 'bubble of awesome' is flawless, gets along, or can even feel the same way I do about each person I feel safe and comfortable to be myself with. I just thought it was worth acknowledging this discourse.

An analogy to being stuck in hospital until you're deemed fit enough to go home

13.10.2014

Written when talking with Dancer about my experience following first hospital admission late September.

[edit: 14 october 2014. i have not proof read this since writing but know that Dancer and i discussed as i wrote. if there's anything odd please check with me first because the analogy is so far as i can tell accurate. please don't share this link anywhere for now as i want to ensure that there's no identifying info that will lead anyone who doesn't know me sufficiently to trust my own judgement, or that of others i trust for my safety. i am safe and i know that to be true in all senses of the word. my judgement was so impaired however at one point that i was unable to trust my own sense of judgement following the second time i was in hospital and was placed in a secure ward. without wanting to do things i suspect hint towards this, including over-explain or be hypervigilant this is all i want to explain for now. i recognise that someone might happen across this on the internet so please note that comments are off.]

An analogy to help me understand why I get so distressed when I cannot do what I could do before going to hospital for the first time late September.

Due to complications during the first time in hospital I ended up getting to the point where I needed to return and ended up being treated like I was in traction and couldn’t go home until the treating medical teams believed I was capable of looking after myself independently. During that time I couldn’t leave the ward on my own, if at all.

Thusly I have found the entire experience very stressful and because of the symptoms I’ve continued to notice since leaving that I believe kept ‘in traction’, I continue be concerned that I will find myself in a similar position. As such I start to worry to the point that some of the symptoms which have abated return, physiological and psychological.

As a result I currently feel incapable of settling myself sometimes and thus need to talk to someone about that second in hospital to make sure that I will be ok. This is inspite of significant improvement that I can notice every day regarding symptoms that were not present prior to first hospital admission, and noticing that I’m much much better practicing mindfulness to pay attention to my psychological state than I previously thought I had been in order to manage psychological distress. Even before hospital I was usually able to manage my psychological distress without feeling the need to speak to someone immediately about this.

At present I feel I need to be dialogic to help me remain calm enough to trust my own judgement when experiencing distress that I cannot manage on my own.

Part of the reason I feel I need to be dialogical in my processing is that I had to return to hospital when I felt I could no longer trust my judgement about reality. My understanding (along with others who were present for a good part of the time for both hospital stay) is that this is due to complications that arose during my first stay which looking back can both recall noticing when there. These concerning symptoms continued to worsen until I returned to the ED before the second stay, during which my symptoms worsened to the point where I had signed the admission to remain until I was able to take care of myself independently.

As a result of all of this I hold some significant doubt that all possible assessments have been made to get to the bottom of the cause of the reason I first went to hospital, i.e. prolonged, persistent agonising abdominal pain that led me to crying to about it before going to hospital.

Finally, as an outcome of the experience in entirety I have trouble with trusting myself let alone any health professionals. Thus I will be aiming to ensure that all possible tests and assessments are done to my satisfaction whilst I notice any of the symptoms that arose during my hospital stays because of what of what ‘we’ (meaning Dancer and I) understand to be at worst systemic negligence in duty of care by the hospital I was admitted in the first place.