Trigger warning, discusses suicide and the impact of losing someone to suicide.
For anyone reading this, my partner, Brian took his own life in the early hours of the 23 August 2011. If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, please access the services on this page listed for Australia, or use a search term such as 'suicide helpline' for another country.
As well as this dedicated to Brian, I wish to dedicate this to everyone who has supported me since his suicide. Each gesture, now matter how small, makes a difference. My sincere gratitude to those especially who have welcomed me into their lives since Brian died and those who I've found such closeness with since.
Scared
Backed into a corner
You took the way
The only one you thought you had
I still find it hard to forgive you
I was there for you, right there in the house
But I understand
Yes; I understand
You shared with me
So many hidden vulnerabilities
You tired to tell me about the darkest
But you felt lost and trapped
The desolation you felt
I've since felt it too
Since you left me to find your corpse
I've been through the deepest of despair
How often I've wished you knew how hard I'd fall
I have wished you knew how much we all loved you
We'd have done anything we could for you
You were one of the most beautiful people
I'd ever shared such a closeness with
Could you ever see that? Did you ever feel that?
Did you ever see how many people loved you too?
The crevasse you left
It will never close
But as time has passed I've been working so hard
Building a bridge across
It began when I was able to share my vulnerability
It grew stronger when I was able to feel their love
There are time when the storms try to thrash it to pieces
There are times when I'm afraid it will break
Then the storm passes
And my trust in the strength of this bridge is regained
I will always feel this crevasse
Nothing will ever feel it
But I think i will be able to exist
Nay, I hope that I continue to find my self-assurance again
And now I can't feel that hope so strongly,
As I now face another crisis that has arisen to haunt me
I try to grasp onto the hope that others hold for me
That I will get better, that I will be able to find the safety of a rocky outcrop
I've missed this self-assuredness and belief in my own resilience
It went with you to the grave, and more recently it got lost in my own insanity
I need and want my self-assuredness and self-love to be revived
To be able to use it to help me gain the courage to traverse that bridge
Originally written on 23 November 2014.
Thank you for reading this. I urge anyone thinking about suicide to find someone to talk to, be that a friend, a family member, a GP, or one of the services listed here.
Given that I did personally make an attempt on my own life, I may seem like a bit of a hypocrite, but looking back I now realise that when you're in so much pain this is the worst time to make such a final decision on your own. I didn't reach out because I didn't want to 'burden' anyone, even though I knew first hand how much pain the loss of someone to suicide (personally and professionally), I had reached a point where I was so detached from feeling empathy for anyone. All I could feel was my own desolation of pain that was so deep that I was mostly numb by the time I planned my suicide. Please talk to someone before it gets that bad.
I have been working on another post for a few years now about suicide from personal and professional perspectives, and hope to be in a place to post that sometime soon.
Take care, look after yourself and look out for those you love as best you can. Forgive yourself if you lose someone to suicide too.
Please note that comments are off for this post as I need to take care of my own needs first and foremost since the most recent crisis which had brought about extreme traumatic responses including very strong anxiety.
