Saturday 6 December 2014

For Brian

Trigger warning, discusses suicide and the impact of losing someone to suicide.

For anyone reading this, my partner, Brian took his own life in the early hours of the 23 August 2011. If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, please access the services on this page listed for Australia, or use a search term such as 'suicide helpline' for another country.

As well as this dedicated to Brian, I wish to dedicate this to everyone who has supported me since his suicide. Each gesture, now matter how small, makes a difference. My sincere gratitude to those especially who have welcomed me into their lives since Brian died and those who I've found such closeness with since.

Scared
Backed into a corner
You took the way
The only one you thought you had

I still find it hard to forgive you
I was there for you, right there in the house
But I understand
Yes; I understand

You shared with me
So many hidden vulnerabilities
You tired to tell me about the darkest
But you felt lost and trapped

The desolation you felt
I've since felt it too
Since you left me to find your corpse
I've been through the deepest of despair
How often I've wished you knew how hard I'd fall
I have wished you knew how much we all loved you
We'd have done anything we could for you

You were one of the most beautiful people
I'd ever shared such a closeness with
Could you ever see that? Did you ever feel that?
Did you ever see how many people loved you too?

The crevasse you left
It will never close
But as time has passed I've been working so hard
Building a bridge across

It began when I was able to share my vulnerability
It grew stronger when I was able to feel their love
There are time when the storms try to thrash it to pieces
There are times when I'm afraid it will break

Then the storm passes
And my trust in the strength of this bridge is regained
I will always feel this crevasse
Nothing will ever feel it
But I think i will be able to exist
Nay, I hope that I continue to find my self-assurance again

And now I can't feel that hope so strongly,
As I now face another crisis that has arisen to haunt me
I try to grasp onto the hope that others hold for me
That I will get better, that I will be able to find the safety of a rocky outcrop

I've missed this self-assuredness and belief in my own resilience
It went with you to the grave, and more recently it got lost in my own insanity
I need and want my self-assuredness and self-love to be revived
To be able to use it to help me gain the courage to traverse that bridge

Originally written on 23 November 2014.

Thank you for reading this. I urge anyone thinking about suicide to find someone to talk to, be that a friend, a family member, a GP, or one of the services listed here

Given that I did personally make an attempt on my own life, I may seem like a bit of a hypocrite, but looking back I now realise that when you're in so much pain this is the worst time to make such a final decision on your own. I didn't reach out because I didn't want to 'burden' anyone, even though I knew first hand how much pain the loss of someone to suicide (personally and professionally), I had reached a point where I was so detached from feeling empathy for anyone. All I could feel was my own desolation of pain that was so deep that I was mostly numb by the time I planned my suicide. Please talk to someone before it gets that bad.

I have been working on another post for a few years now about suicide from personal and professional perspectives, and hope to be in a place to post that sometime soon.

Take care, look after yourself and look out for those you love as best you can. Forgive yourself if you lose someone to suicide too.

Please note that comments are off for this post as I need to take care of my own needs first and foremost since the most recent crisis which had brought about extreme traumatic responses including very strong anxiety.


Tuesday 14 October 2014

An analogy to being stuck in hospital until you're deemed fit enough to go home

13.10.2014


Written when talking with Dancer about my experience following first hospital admission late September.

[edit: 14 october 2014. i have not proof read this since writing but know that Dancer and i discussed as i wrote. if there's anything odd please check with me first because the analogy is so far as i can tell accurate. please don't share this link anywhere for now as i want to ensure that there's no identifying info that will lead anyone who doesn't know me sufficiently to trust my own judgement, or that of others i trust for my safety. i am safe and i know that to be true in all senses of the word. my judgement was so impaired however at one point that i was unable to trust my own sense of judgement following the second time i was in hospital and was placed in a secure ward. without wanting to do things i suspect hint towards this, including over-explain or be hypervigilant this is all i want to explain for now. i recognise that someone might happen across this on the internet so please note that comments are off.]


An analogy to help me understand why I get so distressed when I cannot do what I could do before going to hospital for the first time late September.


Due to complications during the first time in hospital I ended up getting to the point where I needed to return and ended up being treated like I was in traction and couldn’t go home until the treating medical teams believed I was capable of looking after myself independently. During that time I couldn’t leave the ward on my own, if at all.


Thusly I have found the entire experience very stressful and because of the symptoms I’ve continued to notice since leaving that I believe kept ‘in traction’, I continue be concerned that I will find myself in a similar position. As such I start to worry to the point that some of the symptoms which have abated return, physiological and psychological.


As a result I currently feel incapable of settling myself sometimes and thus need to talk to someone about that second in hospital to make sure that I will be ok. This is inspite of significant improvement that I can notice every day regarding symptoms that were not present prior to first hospital admission, and noticing that I’m much much better practicing mindfulness to pay attention to my psychological state than I previously thought I had been in order to manage psychological distress. Even before hospital I was usually able to manage my psychological distress without feeling the need to speak to someone immediately about this.


At present I feel I need to be dialogic to help me remain calm enough to trust my own judgement when experiencing distress that I cannot manage on my own.


Part of the reason I feel I need to be dialogical in my processing is that I had to return to hospital when I felt I could no longer trust my judgement about reality. My understanding (along with others who were present for a good part of the time for both hospital stay) is that this is due to complications that arose during my first stay which looking back can both recall noticing when there. These concerning symptoms continued to worsen until I returned to the ED before the second stay, during which my symptoms worsened to the point where I had signed the admission to remain until I was able to take care of myself independently.


As a result of all of this I hold some significant doubt that all possible assessments have been made to get to the bottom of the cause of the reason I first went to hospital, i.e. prolonged, persistent agonising abdominal pain that led me to crying to about it before going to hospital.

Finally, as an outcome of the experience in entirety I have trouble with trusting myself let alone any health professionals. Thus I will be aiming to ensure that all possible tests and assessments are done to my satisfaction whilst I notice any of the symptoms that arose during my hospital stays because of what of what ‘we’ (meaning Dancer and I) understand to be at worst systemic negligence in duty of care by the hospital I was admitted in the first place.

Saturday 26 July 2014

Bi-activism and Sisyphus

Please note that what I've written here are my own personal views, and do not reflect the perspective of the organisation/s that I'm involved in.


For some years now I've been involved in a local bi community, and have been on the committee of an organisation which provides support and engages in raising bi-visibility.

I am increasingly feeling like the proverbial Sisyphus because not only does it feel like that we are continually having to stick our hand up to say, 'don't forget about us' within the LGbTI (lower case 'b' intentional, see this post) communities, but I also feel like there is a lack of willingness to stand up and be engaged by those who identify as 'b' or otherwise attracted to more than one gender.

Even on our committee (which is currently two members short because we haven't been able to recruit people after two resigned due to personal/paid work reasons), only a few of us actively engage and respond to matters raised on a regular basis, including volunteering our time to attend events and working on the website and/or social media. There are also a couple more active than I am, and I look at them with admiration and wonder.

Honestly, I'm not trying to place slights against anyone for not being as engaged (although I acknowledge that some people may take what I have this way). I recognise everyone has full and busy lives that can lead to not having the time or energy. However, those of us who do engage also often have full and busy lives and yet we make it a priority to do so because we feel it is important to keep pushing the cause. For me personally, I see it as important because bisexuality seems far more maligned and forgotten than people who are gay or lesbian, and we have far worse health outcomes (see The Bisexuality Report for a recent literature review) than people who are monosexual.

After having a conversation with a friend who has been engaged in activism, including bi-activism, for over two decades and hearing their frustrations with the lack of engagement by others in the latter I can all but seriously ask, "Why is this so?".

We had this conversation as I was attending a meeting with a peak LGbTI organisation that evening to ask them to help us engage in raising the awareness and acceptance of bisexuality and multi gender attraction. In the end, however, I fear that I came across as exasperated about how little we seem to be able to engage people who experience multi gender attraction in the cause also. Looking at other countries, I feel that the case is similar to our own region, and during the meeting another attendee mentioned how they had heard similar frustrations expressed by a bi-activist in New South Wales who had felt the need to step back for the same reasons.

Since attending this meeting I have been seriously considering not nominating to be on the committee of the bi group because I don't know if I am doing myself or the community much good service when I attend a meeting and express this exasperation I feel. I will continue to assess how I feel on this as the elections for the committee are due in October. If I decide to not continue being on the committee, I hope that I will be able to continue to contribute in less formal ways when I feel capable.

I would like to hear from others (regardless of geolocation) about the following:

  • If you don't engage in bi-activism, what do you see as barriers to doing so?
  • If you do engage in activism (bi, or otherwise), how do you keep yourself motivated? Do you feel like you're getting support from a broad section of your peers or does your experience reflect mine insofar as there's little engagement coming from many?
  • If you are involved in activism across different areas including bi-activism, have you observed a lower participation rate in bi-activism in comparison to other areas?
Meanwhile, I want to thank everyone who has contributed their time and energy to bi-activism.

The Bisexual Umbrella, from this post on Radical Bi, a blog by Shiri Eisner.

Tuesday 3 June 2014

Mental health support services

I have compiled this list of where to go to get help for mental health,. Some services provide information and referral, rather than crisis support. I've created a separate list for those that specifically provide information and referral only. Those that provide crisis counselling and support are also likely to be able to provide information and referral relevant to their area of speciality.

While this list of service is derived from my professional experience, I do update the list from time to time. Last check-date: January 2017. 

The listing below includes places where you can find telephone and online counselling, databases for locating support services (including GPs and allied mental health professionals), and information for carers. For anyone not familiar with the Medicare funding for mental health services, I recommend you read this information on the Commonwealth Department of Health website.

Aside from listing the National services, I have also included those that I know of in Victoria, as this is where I am based.


NOTE: All links are set to open in a new page, and clicking on any of the links below should occur anonymously (rather than being stored by Google, please check this link for more information).


Emergency

24 hours, 7 days a week
For those able to hear: 000
For those who need text-based: 106, for more information, please follow this link.


Telephone and online support/counselling

Most of these services also provide information on their websites relevant to their area of expertise, and where noted online counselling or information (some in real time) is available.


National

Counselling, support and information for those aged 5 - 25, and those who are supporting people who are in this age-group.
Operates 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Call: 1800 55 1800, email or start a web chat via the website.

Counselling, support and information.
Operates 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Call: 13 11 14

Provides support and information for men about healthy relationships.
Operates 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Call: 1300 789 978
Appointments for online chat and video chat are available via the website.

For sex, gender and sexuality diverse clients.
Operates 3pm-midnight (local time, rather than based on any particular time zone), 7 days a week. 
Call: 1800 184 527 or start a web-based chat by visiting the website

For people who are experiencing suicidal thoughts, concerned about someone else being suicidal, and people who have been bereaved by suicide. 
Operates 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Call: 1300 659 467
Online counselling is also available, following registration.


Counselling, support and information for people who have been bereaved.
Operates 12pm to 3am (based in Victoria, so Australian Eastern Standard Time), 7 days a week
Call: Melbourne Metro: (03) 9935 7444, or National call from a landline: 1300 854 745
Online counselling is also available via the website.


State-based (Victoria)

Operates 10am to 4pm, Monday to Friday
(03) 1300 269 438 or 03 9830 0533
Information and support available via the phone line and website (they have a fairly comprehensive practitioner database). This organisation also run peer support groups, please visit the website for details.


Operates: 3pm to midnight, 7 days a week.
Call: Melbourne Metro: 03 9663 2939, or Regional Victoria and Tasmania: 1800 184 527

Information and referral only

National

Information and resources available about depression and anxiety, and where to get help. 
Operates 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Call: 1300 224 636, email, or use online chat between 4pm and 10pm (AEST) via the website.

State based

Operates: 10:30am-4pm, Wednesday to Friday
Call: (03) 9853 8089
This organisation also manages peer support groups, please visit the website for details.

Services and practitioner databases

National

beyondblue find a professional directory
The following page contains links to finding GPs, psychiatrists and allied health professionals.

Service Seeker
Users may search for a wide variety of services and groups within their State or Territory. A newer version is available, however please be aware that clicking on this link will result in the website asking for your location.
Hosted by Infoxchange.

State based

Gay and Lesbian Switchboard
A database of groups and services specifically for people who sex, gender and sexuality diverse. The database covers both Victoria and Tasmania.


Information and support for carers

A number of the services listed above provide information and support for carers. Below are a couple of other resources specifically designed for carers.

Provides information and support for people who are significant carers, including those who care for people with mental illness.
Contact the National advisory line 1800 242 636, 9am to 5pm, Monday to Friday.
Please visit the Carers Australia website to find information about the Carers Associations located in other States and Territories.

Provides tips on how to help someone who might be having thoughts of suicide.



Please note that I am not able to provide direct support.
The listing of any service should not be read as an endorsement of the services or the information provided by these organisation.

Friday 30 May 2014

A personal experience with becoming more mindful

Anyone who has contact with mental health practitioners and services in the last five years will have no doubt noticed the increased adoption of mindfulness.

In a nutshell, mindfulness is an approach to strives to being constantly engaged in the present emotional life state, while not becoming immersed in it or judging it, but rather noticing and observing (at a distance) with compassion. This modern application is in fact drawn from the theistic tradition of Buddhism.There are plenty of resources available online and books, so I won't going into this in further detail. I have included a couple of resources below.

As a practitioner, I had taken an experiential attitude towards my practice. That is, to be a good practitioner I believe that it is important to experience as much as possible what being a client is like and to engage in modalities we ask clients to use. As such, I confess that I have long found engaging in mindfulness very difficult.

It wasn't until I developed a debilitating mental illness myself that I feel that I have been able to come closer to mastering mindfulness. By 'mastery', I mean using it more often than without deliberately (consciously) needing to engage the skill, perhaps akin to driving a car or some other process that was once very complex but no longer requires all of one's attention.

I find that there are still times when I need to place more conscious energy into it. For example, I was recently recounting how the night before I had to do the whole process very purposefully. During this recounting, I found myself having to again consciously engage my mindfulness skills of observing, and consciously not allowing the imagery form too strongly in my mind.

As this instance was very conscious at every step and I want to demonstrate how the process can begin at a subconscious level, I will describe another time.

I was out doing some food shopping, which involved going to two separate shops where I could use the same carpark. I had returned the trolley from the first shop after unloading it, and was having a short break in my car before moving onto the next shop. When sitting in the car I'd realised I had left a collection of my cloth bags that I use for shopping on the trolley. I went back to where I had returned the trolley and I was glad to see that they were still there (I had collected these over the years, including some from conferences I'd presented at so I'm a bit attached to them). Returning to the car I noticed I was starting to feel that I didn't want to go on and do the other shopping now. I ask myself, why might this be? The ensuing line of enquiry resulted in my realising that I felt awkward and inadequate, was worrying about making another mistake and thus if I went home I would not have to run the risk of doing something like this in public. Part of the context for this was that I had made a mental note to not forget to collect the bags from the trolley as I was handling everything (handbag, keys, trolley, and shopping bags) walking away from the car to return said trolley...and yet I had forgotten. When I realised why I was feeling inadequate and awkward, I told myself that it was understandable to be experiencing these feelings but that now that I know these feelings are there I can let them be without trying to force a fight/flight response.

In this example, I am especially pleased that I began it without actually having to start it consciously, that it was something that started 'on its own'. This is but one of the instances that I take as a sign that I am managing to work towards mastery. At a more unconscious level I have noted that I can actually not engage in thoughts that can lead to distress if I am to try to either avoid or fully engage with them. I also suspect that I don't even have to consciously make this decision all of the time because I experience a particular thought but no longer do they always continue along the path they once did.

My experience with mindfulness thusly has left me wondering if there are some conditions that are required for successful mastery?

When I used to struggle with committing to practicing mindfulness, I would chide myself for being lazy (yes, not a compassionate stance!).

Now, however I look back and wonder if in part I didn't have enough experiences with the emotions that we typically consider 'negative' and therefore didn't have enough reason to consciously commit to change? Sure, I had spates of depression and even a bit of anxiety at times since my late teens, but it wasn't until I was thrown into the deep end following a significant traumatic and life changing event that I was overwhelmed by both of these. Now, it is possible that I did lack the drive to engage in practicing mindfulness till I reached a realisation that this was really going to be the best way I knew how to live and begin thriving again.

This leads me to another condition: energy, in that I did not have the internal resources to start practicing mindfulness until I was out of the depths of my illness. By 'internal resources' I refer to having a level of resilience able to deal with the really tough triggers arising from the trauma that resulted in my illness (those that can bring on a visceral, physiological response). Looking back, yes having a mindful approach already established may well have resulted in my being less unwell or perhaps for as long.

Lastly, when I really unwell, I did not have the commitment. It wasn't until I made the commitment myself to living again about 7 months previous to writing this that I was able to start making headway in extending my myself skills in a consistent manner.

I admit that I do have times when I wish that I didn't have to live in such a mindspace, as it is still effortful and does take energy. Overall, however I recognise that this is important for my continuing well being and will no doubt always be.

I'd be interested in hearing from you about your experiences with mindfulness, so please feel free to comment below about this and/or include resources you've found useful.


Resources

There is a growing collection of applications both online and for smartphones that aim to guide users through mindfulness, or meditation.

The Wikipedia entry provides an overview the psychology approach to mindfulness.

I've also found that Russ Harris's approach mindfulness rather helpful. You can find resources on his website ACT Mindfully. Take a look at the free resources page, which includes some free articles on the basic concepts behind Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Harris' book The Happiness Trap is a self-help book that I and friends have found a very accessible way to engage in a more mindful life.

Saturday 10 May 2014

Why another blog?

Hello, my name is Kathi. I have a couple of different blogs online but I felt that the existing ones don't quite fit the writing I currently want to do. My LiVEJOURNAL is ostensibly a personal exploration which I started years ago, in a time that I was reconnecting with different aspects myself after being in a long term monogamous relationship.

The more recent and original compassionate Blogger page seeks to engage in discourse on social concerns from a socially conscientious approach drawing upon my professional experience in psychology, counselling, and research. As such, I have aimed to draw upon research and theory where appropriate. I have found however that this goal required more effort than I have been able to consistently maintain. I also want to keep this one separate from more personal reflections and writing, as I have linked one of the pieces there for my résumé (and hence removing my profile from public viewing so that this second blog can't be accessed via the other 1).

The style writing that has been on my mind of late, however, is something of a combination of the two. Drawing on my knowledges and experiences from both my personal and professional life, sometimes in one article, other times separately.

So Signposts and Mirrors is a place to consider directions, reflect, and to share my thoughts on various areas that could be of interest. I hope that you will at the very least find the posts food for thought. I also hope that I might be able to use the process of writing for this blog to polish my writing skills again, to reignite my flow, grammar and locate the breadth of vocabulary that have all become rather lackadaisical since I have ceased regularly composing.


1 I am aware that some would think it advisable to not publish anything online that you wouldn't want anyone to know, but let's not make it too easy!